Newstead Brewing Co.’s Two To The Valley IPA. It takes a certain kind of business to insult their customer before they’ve even had a sip of their beer. Whether or not this daring strategy will pay off in the end remains to be seen (it won’t). I’ll eagerly look forward to the release of NBC’s upcoming Get Fucked Dickhead Pilsener.
Good Charlotte, Judas Iscariot, Johnny Rotten, George Lucas, Metallica, Bernie Madoff, Eddie Murphy.
For the purpose of this review I visited NBC and personally asked Head Brewer Michael when he most enjoys drinking this beer. He threw a bucket of beluga caviar at my head and jumped head first into one of the brewing vessels. When I went to investigate I found that the tank was actually just full of cash. In fact, all of the brewing equipment located at NBC is purely used for the storage of money and rubies. Because you see, NBC don’t actually brew any beer anymore.
Two To The Valley IPA, Coming Out Pale Ale, Almost 4 Inches Porter and the rest of the standard NBC range* are now brewed mostly off site. This highly lucrative arrangement means that NBC no longer have to worry about being an actual brewery and can focus on wringing every last dollar out of the craft beer fad. I mean yes, the beer is brewed in the exact same way as before and yes, it is overseen by NBC staff and yes, it tastes as good as it did when it was brewed on site but there is one subtle difference between the original and the new bottles. These new bottles taste slightly like success and therefore bland, formulaic with a lingering sense of populism on the back of the palate.
If there is one thing that every self-respecting craft beer enthusiast knows it’s that a brewery that becomes successful, regardless of their beginnings, brew shit beer without exception. As such, I can only recommend drinking this IPA if you’re celebrating the opening of your own dinosaur themed hotel resort or the successful sale of your mortal soul to Lucifer the Prince of Darkness.
In the perfect setting, this beer should be consumed out of a fine Italian leather loafer worn by your solicitor after securing yourself a 7 record deal and a sponsored line of Lynx deodorant. However, if you don’t feel like completely selling out then maybe pour it into a standard headmaster schooner glass like the rest of the mass produced swill you philistines seem to love so much.
*there is absolutely no way I’m going to mention Hammerhead in this review.